On a cloudy day in British weather with occasional drizzles, I took a bus ride to the British Library. Equipped with my hand gel and facemask to fight off any unwanted viruses, I headed for the top deck. Upon reaching the top deck, I was pleasantly surprised to find almost five vacant seats. I quickly grabbed a seat by the window, hoping to enjoy the ride without any disturbance.
Most of the passengers were engrossed in their devices, completely ignoring the surroundings. Several minutes into the journey, a young man came up and sat two seats away from me and opened the window. This caused a commotion when the person behind him asked ‘WHY’ he did that. Things escalated quickly, and they started exchanging heated words. Fortunately, it was my stop, and I got off.
Looking back, the disagreement could have been prevented if they had chosen a different opening statement instead of using the word “why” at the start of their discussion.
In our quest for answers, we often resort to asking “why” questions. Why did this happen? Why did you do that? Why do I feel this way? Why did I fail? Why can’t you be nice to your siblings? Why can’t I do this?
However, while these questions may seem like a natural way to solve problems, they often lead us down a fruitless path of overthinking and frustration. “Why” questions, in the way most people use it, focus on the past without offering solutions on how to change the present situation for a better future.
On the other hand, an intent to understand your “why” has a different meaning. Note that I did not say “why” question. If “why” is used in a constructive way to reflect and understand the course of a situation, it could be a powerful tool to look deep down and understand ourselves and our purpose, but this would usually be accompanied by “What” to do about it. Wouldn’t it be more productive to shift our focus from “why” questions to “what” questions that concentrate on the present and the future?
The problem with “why” questions, if used in a negative connotation, is that they focus solely on what has happened in the past, that we do not have control over in the present to undo what has been done, because we cannot change the fact that it has happened. Using “why” in that instant is assigning blame. And what happens when we feel blamed? We tend to become defensive.
When we also use “why” to blame ourselves instead of using “why” to understand what happened, we can feel stuck. For example, “Why” did I fail? If done with a negative connotation, it would generate lots of answers which will not help you pass the next test or achieve your goals in the future.
On the other hand, asking “why” did I fail? … with a curiosity stance could mean ‘What could I have done differently to pass this exam? ”why” in this instance could mean finding meaning to what happened in the past, with the intention to find a solution to the present circumstances. So, changing your “Why” to What” question in this instance would be more empowering.
“Why” with a negative connotation doesn’t offer any solutions or actionable steps to move forward. For example, if you ask someone, “why did you do that? The recipient is likely to feel blamed and may become defensive. Or if you ask, “Why did I do this to myself?” you may come up with a laundry list of reasons, such as lack of insight, failure to listen to your parents, bad luck, or even personal flaws. But none of these reasons will help you resolve your current challenges and or achieve your goals for the future.
Instead of asking “why,” try reframing your questions to focus on the present and the future. Ask yourself, “what can I do differently?” “How can I improve?” “What steps can I take to prevent this situation from happening again?” By shifting your focus to the present and future, you can start to identify actionable steps to improve your situation.
Additionally, “why” questions can often lead to a cycle of negative thinking and self-blame. By constantly asking “why,” you may start to feel overwhelmed and powerless as if your problems are insurmountable. This can lead to a downward spiral of negative thinking and self-doubt, which can further hinder your ability to solve problems.
In conclusion, while “why” questions may seem like a natural way to approach problems, they often lead us down an unproductive path. Instead, try reframing your questions, using “what” and “how” more to focus on the present and future, and identify actionable steps you can take to improve your situation. By doing so, you’ll be better equipped to solve problems and move forward with confidence.
