When I asked a parent what she would like to get out of my Co-Parenting coaching session with her, she said, ‘I want a life free of conflict’. I remember saying something like, ‘that can’t be a healthy life to live’.
When you hear the word “conflict,” your first thought might be, Who needs it? But the answer might surprise you: we all do! Believe it or not, conflict is an essential ingredient in healthy relationships. A relationship without any form of conflict isn’t necessarily harmonious—it’s often stagnant or superficial.
Conflict arises naturally when two individuals with unique perspectives, needs, and values come together. It’s a sign of authenticity, showing that both people feel safe enough to express themselves. Suppressing conflict doesn’t make it disappear; it simply creates tension that will resurface later, often in unhealthy ways.
Wherever there are two people with different personalities come together in the same space for a prolong period of time, sooner or later, there will be friction, as actions will always generate reactions. It’s the containment of our reactions that needs our attention. I.e. deliberate steps to respond rather than reacting keeps a healthy balance in the relationships.
Just imagine it like a cool kettle exposed to prolonged heat, the reaction to heat will sooner or later create steam that will trigger a reaction. Reaction to turn your kettle off, and if the mechanism to cap the tension is broken, your kettle will experience ongoing internal turmoil or ongoing pressure until it reaches a peak. That could be a breaking point when the water dries out, or the element packs up.
But here’s the truth about conflict in human relationships: conflict itself isn’t the problem. The real issue lies in not knowing how to resolve it, or not having the mechanism to contain emotions.
All relationships go through a circle of three phases.
The Harmony phase, when all is rosy and well. Then, from time to time, they go through phases of Disharmony, characterised by disagreements and conflicts. Then, it moves into the Repair phase before circling back to Harmony.
However, when the repair phase is handled poorly, or we lack the mechanism to turn down or contain our emotions, conflict can grow rapidly from little triggers like ‘leaving the fridge open again’ to ‘your mother never liked me’ or what you did 10 years ago, and every destructive words in between.
Poorly resolved conflict can damage trust and connection.
However, when conflict is approached skilfully, it can strengthen relationships, build mutual understanding, and promote growth.
Disagreements, challenges, crises, and conflicts are all vital components of successful relationships.
Learning to resolve conflict isn’t just about “fixing” disagreements or sweeping things under the carpet. It’s about deepening communication, respecting differences, and working as a team to find solutions, honouring both parties.
In essence, conflict resolution is a skill— that can transform challenges into opportunities for growth.
So, the next time conflict arises, don’t shy away from it. Embrace it. Use it as a chance to strengthen your relationships and grow as a person.
In my workshops, I always encourage parents to ask each other or themselves these questions in their quiet time after the storm:
1. What are the underlying reasons for this argument?
2. What unmet need are we addressing through this disagreement?
3. Where does the current problem we’re experiencing originate?
After all, it’s not about avoiding conflict—it’s about learning from it and learning how to resolve it.
Have a lovely weekend.
By: Chris Kolade
Principal Consultant
United-In-Separation®
https://www.unitedinseparation.com
