At a recent Children Services Leadership Forum, one of our heads of service shared a couple of poignant stories that really resonated with my message to all parents. She recounted two powerful encounters that beautifully demonstrated the importance of engagement.
In one instance, she interacted with an 18-month-old child who, upon feeling her genuine interest, responded with bursts of excitement and warmth. In another touching moment, she complimented a delightful 5-year-old girl, whose face lit up with joy at the recognition. These weren’t just heartwarming narratives; they embody the foundational principles in the Children’s Social Care Framework, which underscore how vital it is to support children, young people, and families so they can truly flourish.
I sometimes feel obliged to remind us that, as we reflect on the families we serve, it’s crucial not to overlook our own children and families—those who may silently seek our attention, even when it’s not immediately obvious.
Why is this so important? Because ‘Knowing does not naturally translate into Doing’. There’s a significant gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it.
In other words, passion for healing others doesn’t always translate into healing ourselves—a classic case of cognitive dissonance that many of us can relate to, especially in the realm of parenting.
So, how do we weave these principles back into our families? You might find comfort in knowing that there are no perfect parents out there. Reflecting on my own parenting journey, one thing I am certain of is that I was far more ‘a better parent’ before I became a parent. I even thought I had answers to most teenage presenting behaviours until my own teenagers took me through a crash course in real-life parenting that was beyond textbook parenting. That experience is a book on its own.
In my two decades (plus) of working with children and families, I have yet to meet one perfect parent. If you happen to know someone who holds that badge of honour, I would love the opportunity to learn from them!
My experience often leads me to reflect on an important question: How can we enhance our professional approaches while also enriching our personal lives? It’s essential that the love and support we advocate for in our work beautifully translates into our own homes—especially during times of crisis.
Sense of worth:
How do your children learn how much they mean to you? The answer lies not in what you tell them occasionally but in what they see and experience consistently—especially in those first moments when they see you or walk into a room. Your reaction becomes a mirror, reflecting their worth back to them.
So, I ask you: how do you greet your child, toddler or teenager? Is it with an expression of joy and love, or do they encounter critical eyes, scanning for what they’ve done or neglected to do?
Every interaction begins with a first impression, and for children, these brief but critical moments carry profound weight. Each time you see your child, your face, tone, and words communicate a message. Are you saying, “I see you, I love you, and you matter to me”? Or is the message closer to, “I’m watching to make sure you measure up”?
Let’s make this personal. Imagine arriving at work each morning or on your ‘Stop-the-Clock’ day and being greeted by your manager. Which welcome would inspire you to feel appreciated and valued:
• “Good morning! It’s great to see you. How was your evening?”
• Or: “Did you finish all those tasks before logging off yesterday?”
Now consider the parallels with your child. They, too, want to feel seen, loved, and safe. Yet, many parents unknowingly focus on corrective or task-oriented greetings, like:
• “Did you brush your teeth before coming down?”
• “Why is your bag not packed yet?”
These may seem harmless, but over time, they can chip away at your child’s sense of belonging and self-worth.
Welcoming Greetings That Build Connection:
(Sourced from our parenting programmes manuals– to learn from or teach others.
Here are some ideas for warm, affirming greetings tailored to primary and secondary school-aged children:
For Primary School Children:
• “Good morning, sunshine! I’m so happy to see your smile this morning.”
• “Look at you! My little superstar is ready to take on the day.”
• “Oh wow, someone looks ready for an amazing adventure at school!”
For Secondary School Children:
These greetings may seem small, but they create a consistent foundation of love and positivity. Over time, your child will internalise these affirmations and grow in confidence, knowing they are valued for who they are—not just for what they do.
My Challenge to all Parents, Carers and Practitioners who work directly with Children.
The next time your child, a child you care for or a teenager you work with walks into the room, pause and ask yourself:
• What message am I sending with my tone, facial expression, and words?
• Am I focusing on their being or their doing?
Your child (biological, foster or adopted) doesn’t need a perfect parent, just one who tries to see them fully and love them openly….no matter what……….and even if……….. .
In the end, it’s these seemingly ordinary moments that shape extraordinary connections that create the foundation for healthy Parent-Child relationships.
By: Chris Kolade
Principal Consultant
United-In-Separation®
https://www.unitedinseparation.com
